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Thoughts (Which May or May Not be “Deep”)

13 Oct

I was initially hesitant to write about this in my blog, but I’ve decided that I should probably just go for it.

Yesterday, I did not want to exercise. Seriously. At all. My brain was making up any excuses it could not to tie on my running shoes and actually jog for however long it would take me to run a half a mile. I’d just got off a bad day at work where my concentration was shot and my anxiety was pretty high. I do have generalized anxiety problems and some days are worse than others. Yesterday was one of the worse days (yet another reason to cut down my caffeine intake); I almost started crying when I realized I had signed and dated some documents with the wrong date (weird, I know). Since I was pretty much an anxious blubbering mess, I did not want to exercise. Maybe I would do some relaxing yoga, but there was no way the jog-run-walk was going to happen.

But I got home from my after-work Target run and put on my shoes anyway. The thing that got me there what I wrote about in my earlier post: wanting to run a 10 minute mile. (Which is still super far away I might add.) The only way that is really going to happen is if I just slug it out and work out on the days I say I will. I also wanted to listen to a new podcast that I had just downloaded and I was only going to let myself listen to it while I was exercising. Apparently, this setting goals and rewards thing actually works.

During my jog-run-walk time though, I got thinking about what was contributing to my anxiety. Yeah, I was having a tough time at work. But I had also spent a lot of the day planning what I was going to write in this blog. I had a whole post about Greek yogurt and smoothies planned out in my brain and I wanted to include what exercise I did yesterday as well. Pretty much, it would have been one of those “this is what I ate today and this is what I ran today” posts. As soon as my brain stopped wanting to exercise, I jumped to the conclusion that my post was now ruined. So my anxiety got worse.

However, it occurred to me that: my post didn’t have to be about what I ate today or how awesome my run was because that was just not true. What was true for me was I spent a good couple hours debating whether I would actually exercise today and being pissed off at myself. Why couldn’t I write about that? And in a total DUH!-moment I realized I could. I could write about whatever I damn well please. I don’t necessarily want this blog to turn into a rundown of everything I ate today. That’s kind of boring for me to write…though I am leaving it open for future posts if I have a particularly interesting day of eating. This is also not to say that I don’t enjoy blogs that do post primarily “what I did today, what I ate today” type posts. I find those blogs inspiring. I wouldn’t be typing here if I didn’t. But for me, I don’t think that type of blog is going to be healthy or helpful in my own little headspace.

So instead, I can give you this: a blog about whatever I am thinking or feeling that day. It may be about a new exercise I am excited about or a new awesome food that I tried. There will be a post about Greek yogurt at some point because it is the most amazing thing ever. Ever. Seriously.

But this really is going to be my journey. I can’t copy anyone else and get where I am going.

(By the way: I completed my half mile in 12:53 this time. Something of an improvement.)